I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
