You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
