He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
