in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
