you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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