Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
