do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
