Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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