im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
