there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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