I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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