so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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