One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
