i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
