I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
