I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
