God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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