drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize