I've blown a few things in my day
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
