he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She's not a foreskin expert like you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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