I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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