even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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