My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize