I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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