So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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