My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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