tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
