After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
