Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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