Nicole vs. Life
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm passing your future prison.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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