the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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