i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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