if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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