you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
