mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
