i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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