Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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