im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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