Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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