think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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