Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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