I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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