Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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