I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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