Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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