K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
