I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
