God, you're like boner-b-gone
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
