Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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