Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
