she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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