i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
