By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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