What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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