paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
