Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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