dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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