she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish you could order shots online.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
