i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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