I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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